You learn something new everyday…

…but these days, most of the things I learn have to do with women.

So, basically my whole life’s experience with women thus far has been tainted.  My mom was psycho, I had no siblings, every woman that I met in both my mom’s and dad’s side of the family were…also quite strange, in one way or another.  So I have had very little experience with women who don’t scream obscenities while throwing a tub of butter across the kitchen.  And don’t get me wrong, my mom always treated me well, and bought me stuff, but she treated my dad like a three-days used tampon that had given her TSS.  (Oh joy, something else that I learned from my mom.  XP )

So, recently I’ve been learning that there are women out there who actually like men and who aren’t feminazi ballbusters trying to break down men at every turn.  I had some of my first experience with this a few weeks ago, when Feech told me how happy I made her.  In my own internal monologue I was saying, “Wait, that’s not allowed, men don’t make women happy, they just bring them money…”  Well then it hit me.  I realized that some women are actually pleasant to be around, and not like Dementors trying to steal any semblance of hope or happiness that you may have.  Then I told Feech that she’s pretty and she giggled and did all that happy girlish stuff.  But I was like, “Wait you can’t do that.  Your line is ‘D*mmit William!  Don’t f*cking bother me while I’m watching Oprah!’”  And that made revelation #2.

So, I guess that this is just where I stand.  I’m learning all of fabulous things about pleasant women that had previously been hid from my eyes.  Not that I would really ever want to complain about such a thing…

Today’s Utah Man

So, I wrote this parody of the U’s fight song a couple of months ago, during football season…it’s amazing.

Today’s Utah Man,
by William White

Verse:
I am a Utah man, sir, I’m barfing up my spleen,
Our kegstands are the most intense that ever will be seen.
Our women are the hottest, and each a dirty ho, Their flatulence you’ll hear it through the valley yo, fo sho!

Chorus:

Who am I, sir,
A Utah man today,
A Utah man sir,
I swear that I’m not gay!
Yippy-ki-yay!
We use the snuff, we only bluff, we’re game for any cuss,
No other gang of college men can match our endless lust.
So fill your lungs with Cannabis, ’cause times have changed these days,
We’ll eat, we’ll drink, we’ll be merry, for crime, it always pays!

Verse:

I remember the night of prom, I took six skanky hoes,

It’s okay, when you’re a Utah Man, that’s just how it goes.

No matter if a pot smoker, or in just roller skates,

The people all admit we are the queerest gang in state.

Chorus

Verse:

We may not live forever on this jolly good ol’ sphere,

But while we do we’ll live a life of merriment and cheer.

And when our probation’s o’er and night is drawing nigh,

We’ll say before the bar of God, “A Utah Man I am!”

Chorus

Must be doing something right.

So, after my blog post from a couple of days ago, when I made the post about going on a mission, some interesting things have come about.  Let me just say that I can just the lord of darkness aka the father of all lies coming after me.  I can just tell that Satan is trying to mess me up in whatever way he can to keep me from doing what’s right.

Personally, I take this as I sign that I’m doing something right, hence the title of the entry.  I mean, Satan wouldn’t be coming after me if I was doing what he wanted me.  I would think that he would only try to tempt people who are on the strait and narrow to leave it, rather than those who he has firmly in his grasp.  This whole thing has made me think that the first time I tried to go on a mission, it wasn’t the Lord’s will, that He actually wanted me to go later and it was Satan trying to get me to jump the gun prematurely.  When I tried the first time, it was just too easy.  I had everything laid out, and it fell right into place…until it all suddenly came crumbling down with no mission call.  This time, I can tell that Satan is actively opposing me in my efforts to serve a mission.  He’s pulling out all the stops to try to keep me from preaching the Gospel.

All this just reaffirms my testimony that God lives and has a plan for each one of us.  It also tells me that Satan is among us and seeks to destroy our lives, take our agency, and separate us from the presence of God for the rest of eternity.  I hope with all my heart that I will be able to serve a full-time, proselyting mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and tell the world of all the things that I have learned of.  Whether they are willing to accept it or not isn’t my greatest concern.  I merely wish to proclaim the word to them, so that they can choose for the themselves.

It’s almost a plan…

So, today I was thinking again about missionary work, as I do every Sunday, but this time there was more of an air of hope, rather than despair.  I was thinking about why I’m not currently allowed to serve and if there would be any way to make some slight modifications so that I could go.  Let me take you through at least a portion of my thought process.

Let me back up a bit tell you exactly why I’m not medically eligible to go on a mission.  Right now I’m taking a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor, fluoxetine hydrochloride, better know as Prozac.  Apparently, back in the ’80s, there were a bunch of kids who went on missions while taking this medication and didn’t come back because they had popped themselves off suddenly.  There has been a documented, yet statistically insignificant, increase in the risk of children and adolescents to commit suicide.  However, there has been a better documented and quite statistically significant decrease in the risk of adults to commit suicide.  Thus, the solution would be to make 19 y/o males wait a couple of years before going on a mission.  But no, anyone who takes the drug is totally barred from going on a mission.  Though that is beside the point.

The point is that, today, I learned of a medication that does essentially the same thing, except with different side effects.  The side effects of clomipramine (Anafril) tend to be more physical than psychological.  There is almost no increased risk of suicide, and yet it does possibly an even better job of what I want it to do than does fluoxetine.  To me, it seems like kind of a no-brainer.

The other issue at hand is whether I would actually be able to pay off my debts and have enough money to go by my 26th birthday.  At this point, I’ve racked up about $7 000 dollars in debts.  I don’t think it would be to my advantage to try to quit school for a few years, pay off the debt, save for the mission, go, and then come back like six years later with no degree and no money with which to finish school.  A much better plan, would be to finish school, then pay off my debts within about a year, save for the mission for another year, then go when I was about 24, or so.

Of course, this is all assuming that the best of circumstances roll out in my favor.  My doctor would have to agree to give me the clomipramine, which shouldn’t be too big of a deal.  I would have to be able to find work basically immediately after, or even before I graduated.  The economy would have to remain at least fairly stable.  A world-ending nuclear war would need to not happen (naturally.)  The missionary department would have to be happy with my choice of medication.  And finally, I would need all of my friends and family to not crap their pants.  Which could be troublesome…

But hey, at least there’s hope…:D

Bringing Gas Prices Down

The way I figure it, the United States and China are both large bulls in the same pen.  One or the other is going to end up dead, while the other rules the pen.  The thing is that China is the young bull; it’s still growing and on its way up.  The US, on the other hand, is the aging bull, still at its prime, but beginning to fade.  Lately, China and the US have come into competition for the vast majority of the world’s natural resources.  Crude oil, precious, as well as non-precious metals, food, etc are being sent at unsustainable rates to both countries.  China, with its gargantuan population, and the US, with its gargantuan appetite for material goods.

The tragic part is that some insane number of people are going to have to die.  It’s the only way that the economies and lifestyles of these two countries will be brought back into equilibrium.  The way I figure it, this can happen in only one or two of three ways.

1) China’s overall population becomes unsustainable, there is famine and pestilence everywhere and millions of the Chinese die.

2)  China’s rapidly increasing male population overwhelms the female population there is a drastic decrease in the overall population of China within a period of 30-40 years.

3) One country or another decides that they’ve had enough of sharing the world’s natural resources with their economic counterparts and decides to wage all-out war.

I don’t think that anyone wants to see the third scenario play out.  This would undoubtedly lead to a world-wide nuclear war with the great majority of the world’s population dead.

It’s a sad story, but something has got to give, and it’s not going to be pretty.

*Sigh of Relief*

So, today, at about 1pm, or so, my roommate, Joshua knocks on the door to my room.  After I invite him in, he hands my a package with “amazon.com” emblazoned across the side.  I knew exactly what it was.  It was my own personal copy of “Differential Equations for Dummies.”  I was pretty excited as it was to get the book, so that I could study for my ODE class in the fall.

But then, something magical happened.  As I was flipping through the first couple of pages, I realized that I pretty much knew what the author was talking about.  It was nice that, at least the majority of the principles were based heavily on calculus as opposed to linear algebra.  That having been said, power series and Laplace transforms are going to be interesting…but I think it’ll work out pretty well for me.

The moral of the story: I’m a nerd…and nerds just shouldn’t worry too much about academics. 

In Other News…

So, I think that I’m just going to recap all the insane crap that happened yesterday.  And I’m going to go in more or less chronological order, so it might not make much sense, but bear with me.

So, yesterday, I woke up at about 7am barely able to stay awake, since my dad had called me at 4am.  Well, after the intense fatigue wore off, I went to my surveying class that started at 8.  Well, about two minutes after it started, this half-Asian dude walked in and sat right in front of me.  The way that I figure it, there’s no way that that dude had bathed in the last week…maybe month.  I mean, about ten seconds after he sat down, the most disgusting BO smell that my nose has ever witnessed entered into it.  I mean, this surpassed HBO, and even OBO, this was up to the level of NHSBO (nose hair singeing body odor.)  I mean seriously, after sitting in that chair for about forty minutes, I had an awful headache and was about to pass out.  Luckily we had a break after that, and I was able to move over a couple of seats, to where the rankness wasn’t so paralyzing.

Well, after that, I went to the CAEDM lab and did my stats homework for the whole two hours I had off.  I started at about 9:55 and finished at about 11:55, it was intense.

Then I went to surveying lab and it was hardcore; we had to design a vertical curve for a hypothetical road that doesn’t, and probably will never, exist.  It was way too much work to do in a three hour lab, so we just did some number-fudging and called it good.

Stats lab was interesting.  Apparently, someone “lost” my scantron for the second test, though they’re pretty optimistic that they’ll get it from the testing center sometime soon.  I don’t figure that that should be too big of a problem.

I then went home, did my geology lab homework and geology lecture quiz for this morning, wasted some of my life on facebook, and talked with Feech until I passed out.  So yeah, it was a pretty intense day…but it’s cool, I survived. 

The joy and the rapture continue

I’ve decided that I need to make a follow-up on yesterday’s entry…”Oh joy!  Oh rapture!”

So, my dad called me at like four o’clock this morning yelling and screaming obscenities and talked for about ten minutes about something that I can’t recall because it was 4am.  All that I remember was that he was talking about me sending the phone (that I just got in the mail today) back to him somehow, someway.  And my mom yelling in the background because my dad was yelling obscenities at 4am…and that’s about all I remember.  In all honesty, I really have no idea what’s going on.  And the worst part about it is that I can’t call anyone about it because my cell phone is disconnected and my land line doesn’t make long-distance calls.  It’s kind of tragic, actually.

I also think that he was talking about my getting my old phone reconnected…but I’m not really sure.  Either way, I’m insanely tired and really don’t want to put up with this bullfunky.

Oh Joy! Oh Rapture!

Today, I’ve gleaned quite a bit more evidence that my parents are retarded.  So, I’ve mentioned the whole “new phone” thing.  Well, apparently, my mom answered her phone about a year ago and signed us up for an extra two years of service with our previous carrier.  Though no one in our family really new about it until literally today, so apparently she’s stuck with Sprint for another year unless she wants to pay $200 per phone that switches service.  So she told me not to open or activate my phone…pretty much at all…and she hadn’t told my dad yet.  And then came the fun part.

So, after I hung up with my mom, my dad called about fifteen minutes later.  And let me tell you…he was livid.  He was insanely pissed off that he couldn’t activate his phone until I activated mine…for some reason; I didn’t ask.  So he tells me that he wants me to “get my phone and activate it yesterday.”  And you know, I think my dad is probably getting home from work/calling any minute now…oh this should be fun!

Of course, then in all his “rage” he told me that I couldn’t get married for another five years…which is cool.  I mean Feech can’t get married for another 6-11 years and I doubt that any other woman would be down-to-earth enough to even consider marrying me…so I’m pretty much covered as far as that goes.

As I already said, “oh joy! oh rapture!”

The Hedonistic Church of California

So, in the book of Helaman, Samuel the Lamanite tells the Nephites that they would only accept a “prophet” who told them to eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die and all will be well with us.  And I was thinking, “If I was going to build up my own church to get gain, how would I do it?”

So, I figured that there are a bunch of people in northern California who would be willing to accept anything that made them feel good, so I figured I’d start there.  Then, I figured that I would try to establish a pyramid scam to take advantage of the most desperate of “followers.”  I think that I would institute something similar to the law of tithing, except with an “alternative translation” of an eighth instead of a tenth.  Of course, that would mean that this sect would have to accept the Bible as scripture.  I would probably make my own “translation” of the Bible and leave out any of the parts that no one really pays attention to; like most of history in the old testament, The Revelation of St. John the Divine, The General Epistle of James, and most of the Pauline epistles (except the ones that talk about grace, of course.)  So, after I initiated the “strong suggestion of eighthing,” I would take about a two thirds of the money collected and make the wildest dreams of my most loyal followers come true and I would shaft the rest, telling them that they needing to give stronger heed to the “strong suggestion of eighthing.”  I would then take the remaining third of the money and keep it…thus the whole “pyramid scam to get gain” thing.

Of course, as the title of this post suggests, the “doctrine” of this “church” would revolve around hedonism.  They would probably end up worshiping some body part or another, and the inscription on every church building would read, “Eat, Drink, and Be Merry, for Tomorrow We Die, and it Shall Be Well with Us.”  I’m sure that the “gifts” of “healing” and “tongues” couldn’t hurt.  I could just get an actor who I would pay handsomely to act sick, then act healed when I said, “You haz been heeled by the powah of JEEEEEEEEEEEESUS!!!”  Of course, I would have to tell them that Jesus was just a state of mind…an intangible thing that no one could ever comprehend…especially when they’re on PCP…heh heh.

Just as a disclaimer, I must say that I would never do anything like this.  I’m not a really big fan of that whole “outer darkness”/”hell” thing.  I just like to make fun of people who do build up churches to get gain…8)