The Battle Hymn of the Yellow Jackets

So, last night, while I was all hyped up on Mountain Dew, I came up with a super-special-awesome parody of the University of Georgia’s fight song, which is based off of the Battle Hymn of the Republic.  I’ve called it, “The Battle Hymn of the Yellow Jackets.”

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the Bulldogs in defeat!
They are being trampled underneath the Yellow Jackets feet!
Their power is in politics, in payoffs and deceit.
But truth in marching on!

Chorus:
To heck, to heck, to heck with Georgia!
To heck, to heck, to heck with Georgia!
To heck, to heck, to heck with Georgia!
The cesspool of the south!

We’ve always known that with the BCS, they are in bed!
Their glory on the football field is done by muscle-heads.
But when they’re through with college, they’ll be living in a shed!
‘Cause truth is marching on!

Chorus

They look all day into a mirror while their biceps they flex.
They always boast a plentitude of alcohol and sex.
But, in the end, our signatures will be on their paychecks!
While truth in marching on!

Chorus

Today’s Utah Man

So, I wrote this parody of the U’s fight song a couple of months ago, during football season…it’s amazing.

Today’s Utah Man,
by William White

Verse:
I am a Utah man, sir, I’m barfing up my spleen,
Our kegstands are the most intense that ever will be seen.
Our women are the hottest, and each a dirty ho, Their flatulence you’ll hear it through the valley yo, fo sho!

Chorus:

Who am I, sir,
A Utah man today,
A Utah man sir,
I swear that I’m not gay!
Yippy-ki-yay!
We use the snuff, we only bluff, we’re game for any cuss,
No other gang of college men can match our endless lust.
So fill your lungs with Cannabis, ’cause times have changed these days,
We’ll eat, we’ll drink, we’ll be merry, for crime, it always pays!

Verse:

I remember the night of prom, I took six skanky hoes,

It’s okay, when you’re a Utah Man, that’s just how it goes.

No matter if a pot smoker, or in just roller skates,

The people all admit we are the queerest gang in state.

Chorus

Verse:

We may not live forever on this jolly good ol’ sphere,

But while we do we’ll live a life of merriment and cheer.

And when our probation’s o’er and night is drawing nigh,

We’ll say before the bar of God, “A Utah Man I am!”

Chorus

The Satan Pit

So, I was thinking today that some poor, misguided souls at the “U” might think that the Utes’ showing in the Deseret First Duel actually amounted to more than a hill of crap. Let me debunk that rumor/thought right off. First of all, THEY LOST!!! They had many chances to win the competition, even after BYU won the football game, and you know what…they either really sucked, or really choked. And just to emphasize the effect, let me review the sports that BYU and Utah won within the Duel. (each in order of points contributed to the school’s total)

BYU: Football, Men’s Basketball, Volleyball, Baseball, Softball, Swimming

Utah: Women’s Basketball, Soccer, Gymanstics, Baseball, Softball, Tennis

Total points won in men’s sports: BYU-24, Utah-4

Total points won in women’s sports: BYU-10, Utah-26

Now, let’s note that the only outright men’s championship won by the “U” was in tennis…for a grand total of one point contributed to the overall score; whoopdy-freakin’-doo! Even then, they only tied in one other men’s sport, baseball; for a whopping three points. BYU, on the other hand won or tied in every men’s event that was attended by…anyone, really.

Now, I don’t want to offend any female athletes, but seriously, no one cares! I went to the BYU-U of U women’s basketball game, and the student section was a only a quarter full…seriously! The only women’s sport that people in Utah care about is Volleyball, and BYU friggin’ dominated in Volleyball last year.

But I will give the “U” one thing: their women are definitely more manly than ours…but I guess we already knew that.

So, when I look at the AL East standings, I think that the baseball gods must be displeased

So, if someone had told me eight months ago that the Tampa Bay Rays would be in first place in the AL East, and the New York Yankees would be in last I would have laughed so hard that I would have peed a little.  But that is indeed the situation that Major League Baseball fans find themselves in.  Everything has been turned upside down from a year ago.  Last October, three teams in the NL West were contending for playoff spots.  Now two of those teams are well below .500 and other seems to be in a perpetual death spiral.  Last year, I said myself that no team from the NL Central deserved to be in the playoffs.  This year, the Cubs seem to be the powerhouse of the NL, with the Cardinals not far behind.

Now, I’m not usually one for conspiracy theories, but I really do think that much of the dissonance between this season and last is due to the “crackdown” on steroids use in Major League Baseball.  An MLB fan could be found to say that last year’s greats were only so because of steroids, and with the recent tightening of enforcement on steroids policies, these teams are in shambles.

As long as we’re talking about steroids conspiracy theories, let me tell you about another one of mine.  Through less than two months of play, this season, there have been an irrational number of injuries across the board.  Now, anyone who has watched a sporting event in the last ten years can probably tell you that steroids can help to prevent on-field injuries and that they can help athletes to heal more quickly after an injury.  It would seem natural that, upon a virtual re-ban of steroids, that a rash of injuries would break out.  Now, you might be asking at this point, “So are you proposing that Major League Baseball lift the ban on steroid use?”  My answer would be, “No, heck no.  H-E-quintuple hockey sticks, no!”  I would personally say that the Major League Baseball season needs to be shortened.  A 162-game season isn’t just approaching ridiculous anymore, it’s downright insane.  The only reason that it was possible before was because of steroids use.  Now, athletes are going to get hurt and the quality of games is going to plummet (not that it hasn’t already) when September rolls around.

But, I guess it’s all in the hands of Bud Selig…