The Battle Hymn of the Yellow Jackets

So, last night, while I was all hyped up on Mountain Dew, I came up with a super-special-awesome parody of the University of Georgia’s fight song, which is based off of the Battle Hymn of the Republic.  I’ve called it, “The Battle Hymn of the Yellow Jackets.”

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the Bulldogs in defeat!
They are being trampled underneath the Yellow Jackets feet!
Their power is in politics, in payoffs and deceit.
But truth in marching on!

Chorus:
To heck, to heck, to heck with Georgia!
To heck, to heck, to heck with Georgia!
To heck, to heck, to heck with Georgia!
The cesspool of the south!

We’ve always known that with the BCS, they are in bed!
Their glory on the football field is done by muscle-heads.
But when they’re through with college, they’ll be living in a shed!
‘Cause truth is marching on!

Chorus

They look all day into a mirror while their biceps they flex.
They always boast a plentitude of alcohol and sex.
But, in the end, our signatures will be on their paychecks!
While truth in marching on!

Chorus

Crazy Times

Well, over the past few days I have been in Florida, and it was an interesting experience.  The air was thick enough to slice like bread, about every third person smoked, and about everyone was “winning the battle with anorexia,” as my dad so eloquently put it.  Though the beach was fun and the races were probably even better.  Even though Joe Gibbs’ Toyotas won both races, it was still a good time.

Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve been thinking about a few things.  Primarily, these are what I’m going to do over the next six, or so, years.  I’ve been thinking about where I would want to live/work, if and when I could serve a mission.  If and when I would get married…you know, that sort of thing.  And at this point, I’ve come to no firm conclusions on anything…It’s kind of sad, but at least I have options.  

 But, hey, at least the Yankees nor the Red Sox are in first place. 

Today’s Utah Man

So, I wrote this parody of the U’s fight song a couple of months ago, during football season…it’s amazing.

Today’s Utah Man,
by William White

Verse:
I am a Utah man, sir, I’m barfing up my spleen,
Our kegstands are the most intense that ever will be seen.
Our women are the hottest, and each a dirty ho, Their flatulence you’ll hear it through the valley yo, fo sho!

Chorus:

Who am I, sir,
A Utah man today,
A Utah man sir,
I swear that I’m not gay!
Yippy-ki-yay!
We use the snuff, we only bluff, we’re game for any cuss,
No other gang of college men can match our endless lust.
So fill your lungs with Cannabis, ’cause times have changed these days,
We’ll eat, we’ll drink, we’ll be merry, for crime, it always pays!

Verse:

I remember the night of prom, I took six skanky hoes,

It’s okay, when you’re a Utah Man, that’s just how it goes.

No matter if a pot smoker, or in just roller skates,

The people all admit we are the queerest gang in state.

Chorus

Verse:

We may not live forever on this jolly good ol’ sphere,

But while we do we’ll live a life of merriment and cheer.

And when our probation’s o’er and night is drawing nigh,

We’ll say before the bar of God, “A Utah Man I am!”

Chorus

Bringing Gas Prices Down

The way I figure it, the United States and China are both large bulls in the same pen.  One or the other is going to end up dead, while the other rules the pen.  The thing is that China is the young bull; it’s still growing and on its way up.  The US, on the other hand, is the aging bull, still at its prime, but beginning to fade.  Lately, China and the US have come into competition for the vast majority of the world’s natural resources.  Crude oil, precious, as well as non-precious metals, food, etc are being sent at unsustainable rates to both countries.  China, with its gargantuan population, and the US, with its gargantuan appetite for material goods.

The tragic part is that some insane number of people are going to have to die.  It’s the only way that the economies and lifestyles of these two countries will be brought back into equilibrium.  The way I figure it, this can happen in only one or two of three ways.

1) China’s overall population becomes unsustainable, there is famine and pestilence everywhere and millions of the Chinese die.

2)  China’s rapidly increasing male population overwhelms the female population there is a drastic decrease in the overall population of China within a period of 30-40 years.

3) One country or another decides that they’ve had enough of sharing the world’s natural resources with their economic counterparts and decides to wage all-out war.

I don’t think that anyone wants to see the third scenario play out.  This would undoubtedly lead to a world-wide nuclear war with the great majority of the world’s population dead.

It’s a sad story, but something has got to give, and it’s not going to be pretty.

In Other News…

So, I think that I’m just going to recap all the insane crap that happened yesterday.  And I’m going to go in more or less chronological order, so it might not make much sense, but bear with me.

So, yesterday, I woke up at about 7am barely able to stay awake, since my dad had called me at 4am.  Well, after the intense fatigue wore off, I went to my surveying class that started at 8.  Well, about two minutes after it started, this half-Asian dude walked in and sat right in front of me.  The way that I figure it, there’s no way that that dude had bathed in the last week…maybe month.  I mean, about ten seconds after he sat down, the most disgusting BO smell that my nose has ever witnessed entered into it.  I mean, this surpassed HBO, and even OBO, this was up to the level of NHSBO (nose hair singeing body odor.)  I mean seriously, after sitting in that chair for about forty minutes, I had an awful headache and was about to pass out.  Luckily we had a break after that, and I was able to move over a couple of seats, to where the rankness wasn’t so paralyzing.

Well, after that, I went to the CAEDM lab and did my stats homework for the whole two hours I had off.  I started at about 9:55 and finished at about 11:55, it was intense.

Then I went to surveying lab and it was hardcore; we had to design a vertical curve for a hypothetical road that doesn’t, and probably will never, exist.  It was way too much work to do in a three hour lab, so we just did some number-fudging and called it good.

Stats lab was interesting.  Apparently, someone “lost” my scantron for the second test, though they’re pretty optimistic that they’ll get it from the testing center sometime soon.  I don’t figure that that should be too big of a problem.

I then went home, did my geology lab homework and geology lecture quiz for this morning, wasted some of my life on facebook, and talked with Feech until I passed out.  So yeah, it was a pretty intense day…but it’s cool, I survived. 

The joy and the rapture continue

I’ve decided that I need to make a follow-up on yesterday’s entry…”Oh joy!  Oh rapture!”

So, my dad called me at like four o’clock this morning yelling and screaming obscenities and talked for about ten minutes about something that I can’t recall because it was 4am.  All that I remember was that he was talking about me sending the phone (that I just got in the mail today) back to him somehow, someway.  And my mom yelling in the background because my dad was yelling obscenities at 4am…and that’s about all I remember.  In all honesty, I really have no idea what’s going on.  And the worst part about it is that I can’t call anyone about it because my cell phone is disconnected and my land line doesn’t make long-distance calls.  It’s kind of tragic, actually.

I also think that he was talking about my getting my old phone reconnected…but I’m not really sure.  Either way, I’m insanely tired and really don’t want to put up with this bullfunky.

Oh Joy! Oh Rapture!

Today, I’ve gleaned quite a bit more evidence that my parents are retarded.  So, I’ve mentioned the whole “new phone” thing.  Well, apparently, my mom answered her phone about a year ago and signed us up for an extra two years of service with our previous carrier.  Though no one in our family really new about it until literally today, so apparently she’s stuck with Sprint for another year unless she wants to pay $200 per phone that switches service.  So she told me not to open or activate my phone…pretty much at all…and she hadn’t told my dad yet.  And then came the fun part.

So, after I hung up with my mom, my dad called about fifteen minutes later.  And let me tell you…he was livid.  He was insanely pissed off that he couldn’t activate his phone until I activated mine…for some reason; I didn’t ask.  So he tells me that he wants me to “get my phone and activate it yesterday.”  And you know, I think my dad is probably getting home from work/calling any minute now…oh this should be fun!

Of course, then in all his “rage” he told me that I couldn’t get married for another five years…which is cool.  I mean Feech can’t get married for another 6-11 years and I doubt that any other woman would be down-to-earth enough to even consider marrying me…so I’m pretty much covered as far as that goes.

As I already said, “oh joy! oh rapture!”

The Hedonistic Church of California

So, in the book of Helaman, Samuel the Lamanite tells the Nephites that they would only accept a “prophet” who told them to eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die and all will be well with us.  And I was thinking, “If I was going to build up my own church to get gain, how would I do it?”

So, I figured that there are a bunch of people in northern California who would be willing to accept anything that made them feel good, so I figured I’d start there.  Then, I figured that I would try to establish a pyramid scam to take advantage of the most desperate of “followers.”  I think that I would institute something similar to the law of tithing, except with an “alternative translation” of an eighth instead of a tenth.  Of course, that would mean that this sect would have to accept the Bible as scripture.  I would probably make my own “translation” of the Bible and leave out any of the parts that no one really pays attention to; like most of history in the old testament, The Revelation of St. John the Divine, The General Epistle of James, and most of the Pauline epistles (except the ones that talk about grace, of course.)  So, after I initiated the “strong suggestion of eighthing,” I would take about a two thirds of the money collected and make the wildest dreams of my most loyal followers come true and I would shaft the rest, telling them that they needing to give stronger heed to the “strong suggestion of eighthing.”  I would then take the remaining third of the money and keep it…thus the whole “pyramid scam to get gain” thing.

Of course, as the title of this post suggests, the “doctrine” of this “church” would revolve around hedonism.  They would probably end up worshiping some body part or another, and the inscription on every church building would read, “Eat, Drink, and Be Merry, for Tomorrow We Die, and it Shall Be Well with Us.”  I’m sure that the “gifts” of “healing” and “tongues” couldn’t hurt.  I could just get an actor who I would pay handsomely to act sick, then act healed when I said, “You haz been heeled by the powah of JEEEEEEEEEEEESUS!!!”  Of course, I would have to tell them that Jesus was just a state of mind…an intangible thing that no one could ever comprehend…especially when they’re on PCP…heh heh.

Just as a disclaimer, I must say that I would never do anything like this.  I’m not a really big fan of that whole “outer darkness”/”hell” thing.  I just like to make fun of people who do build up churches to get gain…8)

Hey look! There’s Nepal, that’s where half of Wyview’s from!

You know, I’ve been living with a Nepali dude for a little over a month now, and let me tell you something. If everyone in Nepal is similar to my roommate, Krishna…I really feel sorry for those poor saps who climb Mount Everest/K2.

Let me just start off by saying that Krishna is a pretty cool guy. He’s embraced the Gospel and seems to be learning the things he needs to know in order to be acclimated to US/Mormon culture. I guess I would just call him a “work in progress.”

Let me just give you a brief overview of the things that I’ve now assumed about the entirety of the Nepalese culture: 1) They are totally nocturnal and are awake only between the hours of midnight and about 2-3pm, but are always asleep by 4pm. 2) Onions are the national food, and are eaten in every way imaginable, including apple style. 3) The entire country of Nepal is a giant cesspool full of infectious diseases, because cleaning is absolutely not tolerated. 4) In each town there is a community music guy who plays his music at 135 dB, so that everyone in the town can hear it. 5) Phone time has to be rationed, because it is constantly in use. 6) When people wake up in the evening (see #1 above) it is perfectly acceptable to break out randomly into song, whether or not you know the lyrics, or have any idea what the key may or may not be. 7) Door locks either don’t exist, or are totally obsolete, because they are never used. 8- Every light in every house is on…and every window is open…all the time. Though this might help to explain the door locks…hmm 9) There is no such thing as a bed…everyone sleeps on couches.

So, today I missed Saturday Afternoon Baseball because my roommate Krishna decided that he had to unplug my TV and fall asleep with his head on top the outlet…so it was kind of a long day.

Yay for cell phones!!!

So, a couple of weeks ago, my dad called my up and told me that my mom wasn’t going to be working for a little while, so the cell phone service was going to go bye-bye.  Well, at that point, I thought, “Alright, I’m pretty sure that I can live without my cell phone.  I only use it to call my parents once a week and talk to Feech for some insane amount of time most nights…so I’ll be good.” Then the thought occurred to me, “Hey, after the service expires, I can take the actual phone back to Denver and blow in to pieces with a shotgun!”  Let me just say that that was a happy thought…:)

But then, between Geology lab, and my Geology test (yeah, it was that kind of day), my dad called me and told me that we were no longer going to have a land-line in our home, but that we would just have cell phones.  He also said that my mom and I will still have the same numbers as before and that his would change to what our home number is now.

I think the best part of it is that I get a new phone.  I mean my current phone and I have had some good memories.  There was that one time when I chucked it across the room in anger, it flipped open and went under the couch…and it still worked just fine.  There was that time at FHE, when we were playing cops and robbers and I fell into a canal and was soaked from the belt, down…and it still worked just fine…ahh the memories.  But, I think it’s prime has passed.  I mean it was the phone that came free when we signed up for the service…an LG anonymo-phone.  Yet, it will go down in glory from the barrel of my shotgun…and it will never be forgotten!

Anywho, my new phone will be a Sanyo Katana LX…I think; don’t quote me on the LX part.  I doesn’t have much in the way of features, but I really don’t use much in the way of features.  I generally call/receive calls, text/receive texts…occasionally, take a few pictures…and that’s pretty much it.  It will also be nice to have a phone that doesn’t leave an imprint on my pants due to its obscene forward displacement.  It’s kind of like a skoal ring…except it’s more like a fat cell phone rectangle.

And now I’ve blogged way too much about cell phones…but hey, what did you expect from an entry entitled, “Yay for cell phones!!!”